Am I enough?

The world can be a frightening place.

There’s war, terrorism, natural disasters, health epidemics, and corporate financial ruin at every turn.

There are also private, internal battles that can be equally as devastating.

Things like:

• Guilt over past mistakes
• The pressure to fit in (no one warned me it would continue even after my teenage years)
• Feeling stuck in a dead-end job
• Struggling with body image
• Fear that everyone else is moving on with life, when you can’t afford to move out of your parents’ house
• The tug of war between doing what you love and doing what will make you money
• Losing sleep over paying off debt
• Worry that your kids might not live up to the dreams you had for them
• Loneliness

I think most people experience at least one of these. For me, they all stem from one question: “Am I enough?”

What’s in a text

And I’m sure I’m not the only one. It’s normal to want to be liked and appreciated by other people.

The problem is when we allow fellow human beings to answer our question for us.

Here’s an example. I’ve been lucky enough to work with teenage girls in my church. They are some of the sweetest, smartest, and most generous people I’ve ever met.

But I get concerned when they get a text message from a friend and announce, “Hey, someone loves me!”

I call them out on it. They laugh, roll their eyes, and say that they know they are loved without needing a text to prove it. Do they really though?

What if they go a whole day without getting any texts? Does it make them doubt if they are enough?

Measure of worth

The girls also react similarly to Facebook and Instagram, showing me how many ‘likes’ they’ve gotten on a post or picture. One told me that if she doesn’t get any likes or comments after a while, she takes the picture off.

In that sense, every post or picture is a cry for acceptance. As such, they interpret every ‘like’ as though someone was saying, “You are enough.” It’s reassurance that they are on the right track.

This doesn’t just happen online, though. I had a co-worker who gave each outfit the “compliment test”. She’d occasionally buy a new outfit to wear to work, and if no one gave her a compliment on it, she’d never wear it again.

Please don’t misunderstand; I’m not judging my co-worker or the amazing girls in my youth group. After all, who doesn’t like receiving a thoughtful text or compliment? Such kindness can make someone’s day! Plus they can help our innate desire to belong.

What I am saying is that we might base too much of that innermost question – am I enough – on such unreliable measures as number of texts, likes, and compliments.

Alone in a crowd

That’s backed up by recent research that shows 30% of 18-24 year olds in the UK say they’re lonely at least some of the time. And more than a quarter (27%) feel like they’re being ‘left behind’ by new ways of communicating.

And it’s not just younger people. 30% of those over 65 also report being lonely.

How is that possible in the golden age of communication where all age groups can be connected?

The reality is that it’s easy feel lonely, even if you have lots of Facebook friends.

The honest truth

It’s hard not to compare my life to others’ Facebook lives, and occasionally feel left out.

But comparisons are flawed, especially as people typically share the very best of their lives.

Imagine what Facebook would be like if people were accurately portrayed.

For example, here’s what a very honest post about me would look like:

‘Today, I woke up late. Typical. I told myself I’d get up at 6am for a run. Yeah, that didn’t happen. Instead, I ate some cereal, then tried on different outfits until I found one that I didn’t hate. Then I spent 15 minutes trying to find my left shoe, because I can’t get my act together. Then I went to work where my boss said I need to do more, even though I already work long hours and am beyond stressed. Thankfully 6pm came, and I came home. After eating a hastily-cooked meal, I watched the Food Network for an hour and fell asleep.’

Riveting, isn’t it?

Now for a more extreme example of how flawed it is to compare.

Bucket list

According to my Facebook comparisons, here’s a list of the things I should have by now:

- 2 doctorate degrees

- 4 kids (all in umpteenth percentile on the genius scale)

- 3 successful tech start-ups, which were all acquired by Google

- 1 beautiful home that my husband and I built with our bare hands

- 10 marathons run, while currently training for an ultra-marathon

- 15 humanitarian trips completed

By that measure, I have absolutely failed. No wonder it’s so easy to feel bad!

You are enough

A person’s worth is so much more than ‘likes’. And the challenge in life is to believe that you are enough, no matter what other people might say and do.

Think about it! Each person has to come to their own conclusions for that big question – am I enough? Can you really trust someone else to answer it for you, when they may not know it for themselves yet?

My answer to the question comes from God. I believe that I was created by Him, and that He cares about me. He believes that I’m worth it, regardless of how many times I mess up. And that reassures me that I’m enough, independent of other opinions.

But you don’t have to be religious to find your answer. You just have to base your worth on things that don’t change, aren’t corruptible, and extend beyond the online world.

It needs to be something that you can count on time and time again to give you that stability, because you’ll ask that question many times in life.

The journey

There are too many people who give up hope on answering the question. One colleague told me the other day that she didn’t think anyone would notice if she disappeared, which is absolutely untrue. That kind of despair can lead to dark and potentially life-threatening thoughts.

I’m not saying that your problems will magically go away when you understand how important you are.

But here’s what I am saying: you’ll be better prepared to cope because you’re self-perspective is grounded in truth.

The world will only get more frightening, and the burdens will get more intense. But you can find peace when you know what so many are desperate to find out; you are enough.